These new Batman flicks are alright aren't they? A bit of a giggle (sorta). A bit daft in places and a bit excitin' in others. They look OK, with all that typically moody cinematography, all those nifty little hooks and gadgets and things that make the proper fans go weak at the knees, and all that freakishly scary gerning that goes on (and that's just Morgan Freeman). They have both managed to rake in plenty of cash and been talked about and mulled over to within an inch of their existences. There's been plenty of po-faced discussion out there as to possible future instalments and what could happen in them, and the like. It's all very well and good if you give a shit. But I want to know: Will any of it be surprising? Are they planning anything that mucks with the template?
People are surely demanding The Penguin (to be ideally played by some fat Oscar winner probably) and/or The Riddler (to be ideally played by some thin future Oscar winner probably). People are most likely demanding [insert multiple other Batman foes] (I don't know the names of any of the others) to be ideally played by the latest Hollywood jock/hunk with a bad-boy rep probably. So far we've had: in the first one, a wooden Liam Neeson as some kind of father figure who's, like, really strange and mystical or something, and also an errant - and possibly sexually impotent - guy with an ASBO and a potato sack on his head; and in this new one we've got Heath Ledger's tightly-wound, little-brother-gone-off-the-rails-style much-praised Joker, and a man with two heads - one all dashing 'n' that like an '80s catalogue model, the other all crispy. It's a pretty gloomy roll call; likewise, Batman lives in a pretty gloomy environment. But what about adding something a little more felid into the mix? Why so masculine?
I think it's a bit too darn manly.
Don't you think these flicks really lacked a decent female presence? Someone who could not only kick ass alongside - or better than - Christian Bale dressed as a nocturnal flying mammal, but also someone who could add a touch more pouty, slinky vigour?
I mean, Katie Holmes went down, critically and commercially, like a sack of shit, and could barely perform alongside a telephone let alone a co-star; and Maggie Gyllenhaal, as talented as she is, only really wore a few dresses, danced about a bit and [left the film] about two-thirds in. That just left Gary Oldman's wife - who, actually quite hilariously, in the newer film only ever opened doors to people in floods of tears (I bet if someone had sent a nice singing telegram to her doorstep she'd have done the same) - and Gary Oldman's police partner, who didn't get the chance to do very much at all apart from dob someone in and receive a smack in the face for her efforts. Tut-tut boys. Those Nolan bros. do write some stern and virile stuff for sure. But Batman needs mothering. He needs to be pussy-whipped. He needs to be slapped around a bit.
Batman needs fucking with.
So, if you are saying, "oh, why yes Craig, I see how correct you are in this pointlessly trivial post. The possible new Batflick does indeed need a superior lady character to spark things up a bit", then this is the right place for you.
Yup, this is my all new
noblemost likely futile attempt in creating a(n) completely unofficial page for NOMINATING ASIA ARGENTO AS THE NEW & FUTURE CATWOMAN IN THE NEXT BATMAN FLICK (IF THERE'S EVER GONNA BE ONE, AND IF THEY DECIDE TO BOTHER WITH CATWOMAN AT ALL).
Yes, people with far more business savvy than I, financial sense and/or fanboy masturbatory inclinations will cry, "I want Emily Blunt or Kate Winslet! Rachel Weiss! Kate Bosworth! The Olsen twins! (who could alternate, Buñuel-style, in the role - one could relieve the other if they get too confused). I want that vacant blond Hollywood headline-grabber from that overpraised sci-fi TV show currently mopping up ratings!" But will any of these people stand out? Will they bring something different to the table other than what's already been done before with the role? How interesting would they be? Not very. They're all, by-and-large, really rather boring. I say Vote for Asia. She's frankly better than any number of carefully considered "top-draw" A-listers that casting agents would dredge up. She's better than them all.
Watch Land of the Dead to see her dispatch villainous hoards of henchmen (well, zombies) with a kick, thrust and punch (Sock! Pow! Zap! Ker-smash!); watch the trailer for Une vieille maîtresse - or indeed the actual film - and see her casually dismiss mere mortals with a flick of the wrist, whilst dressed in some ridiculously elaborate, yet fantastic, costumes; watch her dad's latest horror flick, Mother of Tears, and see her brilliantly interact with some gory special effects; be enthralled as she acts everyone out of an artfully reconstructed Versailles in a quarter of everyone else's screentime in Marie Antoinette; watch her s...l...o...w...l...y get out of bed and walk around a little bit in Last Days; or watch Trauma, Boarding Gate, Demons 2, The Stendhal Syndrome, The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things and Scarlet Diva.
She's got the voice, the muscles, the stamina, the femininity and, above all, the perfect look to add something that touch more lithely carnivorous to this testosterone-heavy franchise.
She'll fuckin' own Gotham town.
Pick and click on some button somewhere, anywhere else on the World Wide Web to show your support (I'm too lazy to make a poll-thingy). Or just comment below with yay (nods) or nay (boo) reasons.
(If not Asia, then my second choice is Bella Emburg.)